Monday, February 13, 2012

Let's take a moment to thank the people we care about. Except Madonna.

I can't help but think our love for our idols sometimes comes a little late. We hadn't so much as given Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston a hit song in the last ten years (unless illegal downloads count), but then the minute we find out about their deaths, we're number one fans again.

I want to make sure I am able to say "thank you" to the writers, artists, and forces that have influenced my own life, before they also overdose or get beaten by Bobby Brown. Here goes nothing (in alphabetical order):

First and foremost, an opening prayer. All praise and glory be to Oprah. Awoman. 

Cher: You taught me that having a big nose and being dark can be pretty and interesting. And then you got it all changed at the surgeon's. 

Dolly Parton: Your heart is as big as your tits. God bless you.

Faye Dunaway: Because of you, I always fix all my uncles' drinks this way. *creepy smile*

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton: HBIC. I would kill for you. Just like the way you killed Vince Foster.

Madonna: Your inclusion here is an intentional typo.

Maya Angelou: Oprah likes you, and that's good enough reason for me.

Meryl Streep: See Oprah's prayer.

Representative Nancy Pelosi: Speaker of My Heart. Let's go to Folsom together sometime.

The cast of "Steel Magnolias": You taught me how to be a proud Southern woman, and to never fix my own hair. I will always drink my juice, Shelby.

Stevie Nicks: The High Priestess of Rock and Roll. I know I'm special to you too, because when I go to your shows, I'm the only brown person there. God bless you.

Tina Turner: You taught me how to strut in heels and beat the shit out of my boyfriends in the back of a limo. Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō, bitch.

Toni Morrison: I don't understand half the shit you write in your books, but God bless you anyway.

I'm pretty sure I'm missing someone, but that's all I can think of for now.

Take some time to tell the people you love how special they are to you. This was incredibly cathartic. Especially the Madonna typo.

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